Regret – Is it your tormentor or teacher?

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I’ve been thinking a lot about regret lately.

Some of you, I know, are struggling with regret related to your career.

I’m trying to learn from past regret to avoid some “deja-vu regret” in my own life.

Today I’m on a mission to help you with a process for dealing with regret that shifts it from being a tormentor to a teacher.

Because unfortunately there’s no expiration date on regret. It will live on forever inside of us unless we do something about it. It’s very sticky and tenacious. It could likely outlast Superglue in a competition.

Regret is something we all experience. It can even be a healthy emotion.

There’s the regret we feel when we eat a whole bag of potato chips. Or stay up too late binging on Netflix.

No biggie. This kind of regret we can sleep off and it barely moves the needle on the regret-o-meter.

Then there’s the regret that feels like it burns a hole in our soul. Maybe we lost a chance with the love of our life, or we spent 20 years in a profession we never chose. Ouch.

Depending on how we let regret affect us, it will either torment or teach us.

When regret is our tormentor, it plays a tape in our head that goes something like this:

Why did you do that? What’s the matter with you? Why didn’t you do x, y, z? You’re a loser. I’m so mad at you. Why did you do that?…”

(Regret can also be about not doing something, not taking action, letting too much time go by.)

The blame and judgment blind our vision. When we look back to the past, it is through a tiny peephole that shows us only a narrow, biased perspective. We might even see ourselves in prison stripes. Guilty.

The tape keeps playing and there’s no way to rewrite the script or feel anything else besides bad.  Unlike those old cassette tapes, this tape never wears out. It’s Gorilla tape.

Torment is feeling bad about something we can’t change.

If we let regret be our teacher, the pain of regret can be turned into pearls of wisdom that will help us move forward with the self-knowledge that has the power to change our future for the better.

I’ve never had a pearl necklace, but it sounds a lot better to me than the choke collar of regret.

For regret to be our teacher, we need to put on the detective’s cap and look back at whatever we’re regretting with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment and blame.

What follows is a process you can use to address regret and let it actually help you.

Here we go!

Put yourself in your old shoes

When you look back, whether it’s a month, a year, or a decade ago, realize you aren’t the same person now. You are not in that specific setting, you are not feeling the same feelings, and you have the wisdom of hindsight. You are a biased judge as you are privy to information and knowledge that you didn’t have then.

We can never go back in time AND recreate an experience and how it affected us internally.

The truth is, if you could have acted differently, you would have. Try to first accept that you had your reasons for doing what you did at that time. Put yourself back in those shoes and try to remember, with compassion, what it was like for you. 

Make a case for yourself – come to your defense

In any trial, there are always two sides presented. When you revisit your own experience, instead of blaming yourself, pretend you are your own defense and make a case for yourself. You had your reasons for doing what you did. Consider what factors influenced you and people who might have directly or indirectly impacted your decision –  not to blame anyone, but to understand the bigger picture.

Even if you did something that was a big mistake, or wrong, or not what you would ever do again, you deserve to take your side and advocate for yourself. Suspend the judgment and get curious about what was going on.

Find a way to make your peace with regret

As long as we’re still holding onto regret, we are anchored in the past. There is a part of us that cannot move forward because we have not resolved this issue. We cannot change what happened but we can release regret’s negative grip by forgiving ourselves.

A sense of peace can come from acknowledging that you are on a journey. As a human being trying to figure life out, the journey is going to have bumps and detours as well as joys and successes. Life is messy and imperfect. But it is still yours. You get to decide if you allow mistakes and missteps, or if perfection is the only option.

Ask yourself if this is “deja-vu regret?

Sometimes we do something we regret and it’s a one and done. Other times, there’s this unsettling feeling of “haven’t I been here before?” This is deja-vu regret. You start to notice a pattern of having regrets over something familiar. For example, it could be a pattern of saying yes when you want to say no, not being clear on what you want or ignoring longer-term consequences. Or it might be playing it safe and missing out on opportunities or ending up in dead-end relationships, or the wrong job.

Try to identify what is underneath a pattern and cycle of regret.

Evaluate what you wished you’d done instead

What do you wish you’d done differently? How would your life be different now? Is there anything you want or need to do now to address how this regret is affecting your current situation? You can get a lot of clues about what to focus on going forward by getting clear on what is missing.

What is regret trying to teach you?

If you give regret the freedom to 100% be your teacher and not your tormentor, what is it here to teach you?  If you listen to what regret is telling you about what matters to you and take corrective action, you will not only avoid deja-vu regret, but you will be going forward with a stronger sense of who you are and how you want to live your life.

I created a worksheet entitled, “Regret. What is it here to teach you?”

If’ you’d like to address any regret you are feeling, you can click here to download the worksheet.

I’d love to hear from you about how you’ve dealt with regret and what you’ve learned from your own experiences. It is likely others may be going through something similar.

Til next time,

Heather

heatherfork@gmail.com

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4 Comments

  1. Ramin on September 12, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    Great article as always Heather!!

    I think this is something that everyone (in every walk of life) goes through at some point if not in many. Learning to cope and deal with it is a necessary step in one’s own unique evolution.

    • Heather Fork on September 12, 2019 at 4:10 pm

      You are so right Ramin! And if we are not having any regrets, we may not be asking enough of ourselves or our life. Maybe we are, but I have to agree with you that regrets are part and parcel of life. And they can be great fuel to propel us forward in an empowered and conscious way. Thank you very much for reading and your kind support!

  2. WENDY CRAVEN on September 12, 2019 at 10:32 pm

    This is a very valid emotion that I have experienced in my life with my career choices. Thank you for writing about this. I’ve learned to come to peace with my career choices, but it took me much anguish and tears to finally let go.

    • Heather Fork on September 13, 2019 at 12:11 am

      Hi Wendy, you are most welcome. I like how you referred to regret as a valid emotion. It definitely is! I’m so glad that you have found your peace with your career choice- even if it has been a tough path. More power to you for doing the hard inner work to find peace and acceptance. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

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"Heather’s approach was great! She would listen to me and helped me appreciate who I am."

I remember when she said ‘do your resume before our next meeting’, I was about to push back but she gently nudged me along and I’m glad I did exactly what she wanted me to do. We also did interview prep via Zoom and I was offered a great job in UM. She has continued to follow up even after I was offered this job, helping me with pointers about negotiating. I will totally recommend the Doctors Crossing and Heather to anyone feeling stuck like me and looking for a great coach! Thank you Heather!

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Family Medicine
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The coaching I have had with you has been life changing."

You helped me find the courage to seek out leadership positions and become a medical director as well as a physician advisor. I am grateful we crossed paths and am a different person because of it. You have inspired me to "believe" in spite of my inner skeptic. I consider you one of my most important mentors and am proud to also call you a friend. This says a lot given the apprehension I felt when I took a chance with our first coaching session. Even though I have already made a successful transition, I still value your ongoing mentorship and can enthusiastically attest that the value of your services is tremendous!

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“I was at a crossroads in my medical career. I asked myself, "Do I stay or do I go?" 

I met Heather at the SEAK conference. She and I revisited this question.  Did I want to quit being medicine completely? She helped me to identify my needs, wants, and my vision for my FUTURE, not just in medicine, but in life!!!

She was able to listen to my "ramblings" about becoming a stand-up comic, lounge singer and voice-over actor and translate them into action steps.  I chose to become a composite of all of these. Now I am a more confident, healthier, happier person. I credit this in its entirety to the tutelage I have received and continue to receive from Heather.  She cares. She listens. She was there for ME.  She will be there for YOU!

- Lynette Charity, MD

Anesthesiologist
Gail Miller

“I am forever grateful to Heather for helping me to recognize, I am more than just my M.D." 

Heather helped me understand that I am more than just a doctor and that my experiences in clinical medicine are valuable in so many arenas.  As a result I realized that there are other ways to use my background, still be able to help people and continue to challenge myself and grow.  To that end I discovered coaching - specifically health coaching.  I am on my journey becoming a health coach and truly loving it!

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Steve

“Thank you, Heather, for helping me transform my career, my faith and my life."

What started out as an initial thirty-minute consultation call turned into an amazing four-year journey that transformed my life, personally, spiritually and professionally. 

Heather helped me to discover my passions...by doing so, I discovered I still had a calling for medicine but it now came from a place of truth...

Today...my wife and I are opening our first concierge medicine clinic in a community we love. I’m actually excited to have the opportunity to practice medicine the way I believe it’s meant to be, with a focus on the doctor-patient relationship and an emphasis on faith. I know if I had not reached out to Dr. Fork, my life would not be where it is at today.

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“Heather gave me the confidence to create a new livelihood by following my heart."

She is incredibly knowledgeable about the range of careers available to physicians and provided me with advice and connections which I would not have found on my own.  From the start she encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and try different things.  I was laid off unexpectedly in early 2017, and Heather gave me the confidence to create a new livelihood by following my heart and making decisions based on trust, not fear.  Now I am enjoying working part-time in a clinical setting in addition to teaching and writing.

- Sue Zimmermann, MD

Orthopedic Surgeon
Devki Patel

After months of struggling to find a non-clinical career that matched my values and passion, I stumbled upon Heather's website which truly changed my life."

Heather's insightful and personalized approach to career coaching made me think outside the box since she took the time to evaluate my personality, values, interests, and preferred lifestyle.

Through her encouragement, practical advice, and professional connections, I was able to find a non-clinical position at a state Medicaid agency that aligned with my passion for population health and serving low-income communities. In addition to her coaching sessions, Heather has built a community of like-minded physicians through her blog, and I feel honored to recommend her to friends and colleagues who seek to make positive changes in their professional and personal lives.

- Devki Patel, MD

Pathologist
Jay Macregor

Working with Heather ultimately helped me leave my job in corporate healthcare and find a path that was much more fulfilling."

My career was going reasonably well but I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling I could do better; or at least find a better long-term career fit.  

I was able to find a surgery job that better aligned with my goals and professional interests.  Additionally, Heather helped me start a consulting business which has allowed me to pursue a true passion: helping medical students, residents, and attendings surgeons navigate the challenges of high-stakes standardized exams.    

If you are reading this as a “Type A” surgeon who doesn’t think coaching is for you, I would encourage you to give Heather a shot.  I’m very glad I did!

- Jay MacGregor, MD

Colorectal Surgeon
LI

“I gained the confidence in myself to develop an action plan that blended the best parts of my experiences and interests into a cohesive career." 

Through our work, I learned to trust myself to make good decisions for my own future – something I hadn’t realized I was struggling with because as an emergency physician, I make life-changing decisions with patients every day. 

By feeding my creativity and interests in other realms of my professional life, I’ve found renewed compassion for my patients and myself, making every shift an opportunity to actually care for people. Thank you Heather. I really couldn’t have made these changes without your help!

- Liz McMurtry, DO

Emergency Medicine Physician
Amie

The simple truth is - Heather Fork totally helped me change my life."

I never would have had the courage to make the changes I’ve made without her unwavering support, wealth of knowledge and commitment. 

When I first started working with Heather, I was downtrodden...I’d been practicing medicine for 20+ years and yet had never quite found my place.  During the first year I worked with Heather, I left the practice I’d been working at, and recreated an entirely new professional purpose.

I’m now an executive and leadership coach, a university professor, and a Brené Brown Daring Way facilitator, and I have never looked back.  I love what I am doing more than at any other time in my professional life and I credit Heather with seeing in me what I was never able to see in myself, until now.

Don’t hesitate, don’t doubt yourself, schedule your time with Heather as soon as possible- she can help you reconnect to your purpose and reinvent your life.

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"After 30 years in academic medicine, I wanted a career change but had no idea where to start. Medicine was all I knew."

I signed up for coaching with Heather and it transformed my life. She helped me get clear on what I wanted my life to look like. We reviewed my skills, values, and strengths. She instilled hope in me that change IS possible after 50 years! 

The outcome is that I have created a life I love! I practice endocrinology part-time and own a life coaching business! Coaching with Heather is one of the best investments I have made in my life. 

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"Heather was my source of hope during a time when I felt stuck and confused. She gave me the permission and confidence to reach higher than I believed I could."

After graduating from residency and starting a family, I lost sight of why I became a physician. I struggled to convince myself to stay in a career that was clearly the wrong fit for me and my family. My anxiety about work was at an all-time high when I reached out to Heather. She provided something that my mentors, friends, and family could not – rather than just offering career advice, she changed the way I think about my life so that I could understand how my career would fit into it. I realized I wasn’t ready to give up on medicine and eventually found a job in academic medicine. I finally feel that excitement for medicine that I used to feel when I was in training. More importantly, I feel like I can be the role model to my young daughter who may one day also face similar challenges between career and family. Thank you, Heather, for all your kindness, support, and skillful coaching! The experience was life-changing!

- Yuri Shindo, MD

Internal Medicine Physician
Camille Gardner-Beasley

"As a Physician, your personal and even professional needs are often overlooked. I learned how to prioritize my career goals by working with Dr. Heather Fork."

She taught me how to put into practice what I knew in theory, that taking care of myself was a priority. I learned to give myself permission to make the career choices that would give me the work-life balance I desperately craved and needed. The process of confronting fears and insecurities was a bit scary, but well worth it in the end. I am now a happier version of myself with a non-clinical job that I truly enjoy!

- Camille Gardner-Beasley, MD

Family Medicine
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"After 10 years in outpatient family medicine I felt stuck and knew I needed a change but I didn’t know where to begin. Thankfully I found Heather and she guided me every step of the way."

She helped me carefully assess my interests, strengths and passions while also providing me with constructive changes to implement in my job search and resume. With Heather’s help, I just landed a fully remote UM position and I am also exploring coaching as well. Now I feel like the possibilities are endless and I’m excited for this next chapter in the nonclinical world! Thank you Heather for changing my life for the better.

- Ana Jacobellis, DO

Abbey

"I'm truly thankful to have had the opportunity to be coached by Heather, she is not only a resourceful mentor but a wise and supportive friend. I'm honored to recommend Heather to all my friends and colleagues."

I had been a practicing Internist for 20 years when I reached a point when I needed to make a serious change in my career path. While I enjoyed seeing patients, I was not satisfied with my life-work balance. My job was taking me away from my family and left me little time and energy to do other things that are important and meaningful to me. I came across Dr. Fork's podcast; The Doctor's Crossing Carpe Diem Podcast, it is such an informative and enjoyable podcast for any physician who wants to do more with their career and life in general. Then I had the pleasure to get career coaching from Heather, it was truly an amazing experience. Heather has broad knowledge of all the different career paths that are available for physicians, she is so insightful and very easy to talk to. She helped me clarify my goals, examine my own mindset and definition of success. Together we developed a clear plan and actionable steps to reach these goals. I eventually made a career transition to a remote non-clinical position that allows me to do meaningful work which aligns with my personal and professional goals and priorities. 

- Abbey Awad, MD

Internal Medicine
Maria

"There have been a handful of people who have come into my life and changed it, and Heather is one of those people."

From the very first interaction with Heather, it became abundantly clear that she possessed a systematic approach and a methodology firmly rooted in my focusing on my goals and aspirations. Heather's coaching sessions helped me dismantle limiting beliefs and unearth the capable woman, mother, and physician within me. Under Heather's guidance, I began to dream again. I rediscovered my passion for writing, found the courage to share my stories, and even launched my own coaching practice. Today, I specialize in helping others conquer imposter syndrome and overcome burnout, empowering them to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives. Working with Heather fundamentally shifted my perspective and allowed me to show up authentically in every facet of my life, resulting in a profound sense of fulfillment.

I am deeply grateful that I can continue my work in the emergency department and serve my community as a physician as well as a coach. Working with Heather was a transformative gift that enabled me to rediscover my true self, find clarity in my life's purpose, and unlock my full potential. Through her guidance, I not only reignited the powerful, confident, and bold version of myself I had lost sight of but also realized the boundless possibilities that lay ahead.

- Maria Dominguez 

Emergency physician and coach