Physician Guest Blog: "The Old Me, The New Me"

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Photo by Lachlan Hardy

Photo by Lachlan Hardy

This month’s blog is a guest post by one of my clients who went from feeling trapped in her career to having the confidence to know she could pursue other opportunities.  Instead of being resigned to a daily existence of stress and anxiety, she made the decision take charge of her career and make it what she wants it to be. Any significant career change is a process and takes time and effort, but if you hold to the vision that your work is meant to be fulfilling and joyful, you will find what is right for you.  Please enjoy this guest blog.

“The Old Me”

The loud beeping stopped as I blindly reached over and smacked the button, again.  I didn’t even want to look at the clock to see what numbers were there.  I had hit the snooze button at least three times.  Or was if four?  I dreaded getting up.  I had just fallen asleep after having been up all night with thoughts looming in my mind.  I tried to push my negative thoughts back, but they were overwhelming.  What awful consult would there be for me to do today?  What mistakes would I make?  I had a pit in my stomach.  I always did.  Sometimes it was small and somewhat bearable.  Other times, it was so big that I had to work to breathe.  I moved as I did every day, one step at a time.  I put one foot in front of the other, got ready for work and drove to the hospital.  “Just get through the next ten hours and then I will be home again,” I told myself.  I sat down in my office and took a deep breath, but it didn’t work.  I was dizzy.  How did I end up here?  Why did I choose this career?  I thought medicine was the most logical and practical path with a more secure future.  Now, even my job security is not so sure, reimbursements are rapidly declining and I am stuck in this whirlpool of constant stress, anxiety and daily dread.

I know that I am good at my job.  Clinicians come to me to discuss challenging cases, but I often doubt my abilities.  It has always been that way.  Through college and medical school, even though I knew that I was just as talented as everyone else, I sometimes felt that I was not as smart as my classmates.  I just worked hard and never let my eyes turn from the path ahead.  I used to wonder if my achievements were in part due to my personality and perseverance.  I think it was my way of challenging myself, my way of pushing myself to go further.  I made the decision to go to medical school, residency and fellowship.  I recognized that I was not happy along the way, but I kept telling myself to keep going, to stick with it and things would get better.  I chose my path.  Now I need to make the best of it.  Maybe, someday I will find a part time job without significant call.  Maybe then I will be a little happier.

After putting my family and myself through the long hours and years of medical training, how can I entertain the thought of leaving medicine?  It is too risky to leave medicine now.  There are no jobs available in my field and if things do not work out with a new career, it will be too difficult to come back to practice even if I want to.  I am lucky to have a job, even if it makes me miserable.  No one has this much vacation.  If I make a change, I most likely will end up with a job that has longer hours, less vacation, and less pay.  Worse yet, I still might not be happy.  When I read online forums about people who are thinking about leaving medicine, the responses always emphasize how medicine has more stability, flexibility, salary and independence than other field.  How can I think about leaving all this behind?  What if I fail?  What if I never find a job that makes me happy or even one that I can just tolerate.  I will be throwing away not only years of my life and money spent, but also, the vacation time, and schedule that I have now.  Many people are in far worse situations than myself.  How can I risk the possible financial strain on my family?   It would be irresponsible of me.

I must think rationally.  How can I change careers at this point in my life?  My specialized skills cannot possibly be applicable to another career.  Is any other career really any better?  Not many people truly love their job.  This feeling of being trapped in a vortex of swirling anxiety and stress is probably how a lot of people feel.  It might not even be my job, but rather just me.  Maybe I exaggerate the stress and anxiety when it isn’t really there.  At least I have a stable income.  I need to focus on the time I have with my family and just accept the career I chose.

“The New Me: How I changed by approach to life”

I reached over, turned the alarm off and got out of bed.  Mornings used to be filled with feelings of dread, anxiety and stress but now it is different.

Questioning my career path was the norm for me. For the past four years of practice and the six years of training before that, I kept telling myself that things would get better if I just kept going. Maybe I will get used to the anxiety or “something” will change and I’ll be happier.  I am not a quitter.  In attempts to deal with my anxiety and stress, I incorporated every coping mechanism I could think of, painting, exercise, yoga, relaxation music and even some not-so-successful attempts at meditation.  I started keeping an art journal where I began experimenting with different techniques and mediums.  The freedom of trying something new and unknown was unique for me and it felt great.  My journal entry could completely fail artistically, but the process was enjoyable and gave me satisfaction.  These activities helped to push back some of the work-related anxiety, at least temporarily, but the gnawing feeling that medicine is not my calling persisted.

I actively work at coping with my work-related stress and anxiety, but had been disappointed that these methods were not more successful.  In reality, these actions have significantly affected me. Not only am I stronger, more grounded and self-reliant, but also better able to cope with the challenges I face.  Most importantly, I realize that I have the ability and strength to take control of my future.  The uncertainty of the future and the possibility of instability are no longer as terrifying as before.  These thoughts join the anxiety and fear, in the back of my mind.  The negative internal voices frequently surface, but I have more control over them than ever before.  By compartmentalizing my anxiety, I feel as though I can start to listen to myself.

At this point in my life, I finally have the courage to make the change I have always dreamed of.  It is time for me to stop waiting for another opportunity to come across my doorway and time for me to take action.  Rather than “quitting” medicine, I am shifting my focus in a new direction.  I am very good at my job, but there are many things that I could be good at.  Leaving behind my hard-earned job and skills is a difficult decision, but I know that I can use my abilities to do something else that will allow me to better enjoy my life.  I can choose to pursue a career where my specialized skills might be applicable or I can choose a different road all together.  I am excited to explore my options and discover what I was really meant to do.  As an intelligent, hard working and multi-talented woman, I will be successful at anything I set my mind on.  The possibilities are endless.

I remember the indefatigable energy I had in college while pursuing biology research.  This energy has re-emerged through spending time with my children and will help me achieve my goals.  With this energy and my abilities, I can successfully make a career transition.  I am determined to make a better future for myself, which will also mean a better future for my family.  With my new found inner strength, independence and improved self-confidence, and with the support of my husband and family, I know that I have the ability to pursue new opportunities and to succeed.  I am in control of my future.  It is time to start my journey on a new and exciting path.

The other morning my son asked me to read a story to him, “Harold and the Purple Crayon.”  He never asks to read stories in the morning and makes me happy that he enjoys books.  I love reading to him and our nightly story time is one of the highlights of my day.  Mornings however are rushed and I am always running late.  It only took a few minutes for me to read the story to him over his bowl of cereal while my coffee brewed, but it was worth it.  That he wanted to read this particular book made me smile inside.  I want him to know that there are endless possibilities for him.  Just like for Harold, the world is a blank piece of paper and he can do anything he wants with his purple crayon. Then, on my drive to work, as I reflected on the few short minutes I spent with my son, I realized, that he was sending a message to me.  I have a purple crayon too.  My purple crayon is quite worn down, but next to it are more crayons, pencils, pastels and paints of all different colors, just waiting for me to pick them up.

 

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7 Comments

  1. tim on April 18, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Thanks for a great post. I totally know how you feel, like how can I have invested so much in something and walk away. It became too much a part of my identity, my sense of self-worth. I applaud your courage and and new-found freedom. I still am in the ‘work-in-progress’ phase on that one…

    • Heather Fork on April 18, 2013 at 11:47 am

      Hi Tim,
      Thank you very much for your supportive comment for the Author. I appreciate your taking the time to visit The Doctor’s Crossing and share your own experience. There are so many physicians who are very disheartened by the direction medicine is taking, and they often feel isolated and trapped. Each person who speaks out helps others know they are not alone and there is hope. Good luck with your own transition; I wish you the best and believe you will find your way.
      Heather

  2. Douglas Hoffman MD on April 22, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Thank you for posting this brief essay. “The Old Me” section describes my current experience. But I am confused by the second part of the essay. What changed? Did the author leave medicine and find her true calling, and if so, HOW??

    • Heather Fork on April 24, 2013 at 4:46 am

      Douglas,

      Thank you very much for commenting on this post and asking for clarification. I have a reply for you from the Author. I hope this helps. If you have other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

      Thank you for your response. I am sorry for what you are going through. I never realized that there are so many people who feel the same way. I think the biggest change for me was finally finding the courage to listen to myself. Even after trying many different ways of dealing with work related stress and anxiety, my unhappiness persisted. Instead of ignoring my thoughts and feelings, I started to listen. This has been a long process and is still ongoing, but I realized that if I don’t try to change my path, I will always be filled with regret. So rather than waiting for a new opportunity to come to me, I made the decision to leave clinical medicine. Just making this decision and knowing that the end of this path is in sight has been incredibly uplifting and motivating for me. I am just beginning my new journey and am exploring my career options. I do not know yet where my career transition will lead, but ultimately, I hope I will find my true calling. I wish you the best of luck.

  3. Helene Malabed on September 12, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I know that alarm clock thing. Having a license suspension was a blessing in disguise, I didn’t like how medicine is being practiced and how it was going. During my year of suspension (more like a year and a half, for I didn’t even know whether I wanted it back or not.), I was at a loss as to what I was going to do, and my self confidence was gone. Yet I explored other things that help people with their lives and their health, in which I have now been working towards.
    I have my license back and started up a new private practice that is cash which has it’s own challenges, but after reading the above post and others I am even more encouraged to pursue my Health and Lifestyle coaching career.
    There is too much life too live, and there are other careers a physician can do, and help even more people, let’s all do this together, because you’re not alone.

    • Heather Fork on October 6, 2013 at 2:14 pm

      Thank you for your post Helene. Congratulations on getting your license back and gaining a new perspective during your time away from clinical practice. I wish you much success and fulfillment with your Health and Lifestyle coaching. You sound like someone who deeply cares about people and wants to a make a difference. Thanks again for sharing your experience. Heather

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modupe

"Heather’s approach was great! She would listen to me and helped me appreciate who I am."

I remember when she said ‘do your resume before our next meeting’, I was about to push back but she gently nudged me along and I’m glad I did exactly what she wanted me to do. We also did interview prep via Zoom and I was offered a great job in UM. She has continued to follow up even after I was offered this job, helping me with pointers about negotiating. I will totally recommend the Doctors Crossing and Heather to anyone feeling stuck like me and looking for a great coach! Thank you Heather!

- Modupe Oladeinde, MD

Family Medicine
Tim O

The coaching I have had with you has been life changing."

You helped me find the courage to seek out leadership positions and become a medical director as well as a physician advisor. I am grateful we crossed paths and am a different person because of it. You have inspired me to "believe" in spite of my inner skeptic. I consider you one of my most important mentors and am proud to also call you a friend. This says a lot given the apprehension I felt when I took a chance with our first coaching session. Even though I have already made a successful transition, I still value your ongoing mentorship and can enthusiastically attest that the value of your services is tremendous!

- Tim Owolabi, MD

Family Medicine
Lynette Charity

“I was at a crossroads in my medical career. I asked myself, "Do I stay or do I go?" 

I met Heather at the SEAK conference. She and I revisited this question.  Did I want to quit being medicine completely? She helped me to identify my needs, wants, and my vision for my FUTURE, not just in medicine, but in life!!!

She was able to listen to my "ramblings" about becoming a stand-up comic, lounge singer and voice-over actor and translate them into action steps.  I chose to become a composite of all of these. Now I am a more confident, healthier, happier person. I credit this in its entirety to the tutelage I have received and continue to receive from Heather.  She cares. She listens. She was there for ME.  She will be there for YOU!

- Lynette Charity, MD

Anesthesiologist
Gail Miller

“I am forever grateful to Heather for helping me to recognize, I am more than just my M.D." 

Heather helped me understand that I am more than just a doctor and that my experiences in clinical medicine are valuable in so many arenas.  As a result I realized that there are other ways to use my background, still be able to help people and continue to challenge myself and grow.  To that end I discovered coaching - specifically health coaching.  I am on my journey becoming a health coach and truly loving it!

- Gail Miller, MD

OB/Gyn physician
Steve

“Thank you, Heather, for helping me transform my career, my faith and my life."

What started out as an initial thirty-minute consultation call turned into an amazing four-year journey that transformed my life, personally, spiritually and professionally. 

Heather helped me to discover my passions...by doing so, I discovered I still had a calling for medicine but it now came from a place of truth...

Today...my wife and I are opening our first concierge medicine clinic in a community we love. I’m actually excited to have the opportunity to practice medicine the way I believe it’s meant to be, with a focus on the doctor-patient relationship and an emphasis on faith. I know if I had not reached out to Dr. Fork, my life would not be where it is at today.

- Steve Lapke, MD

Papillion, NE
Sue Zimmermann

“Heather gave me the confidence to create a new livelihood by following my heart."

She is incredibly knowledgeable about the range of careers available to physicians and provided me with advice and connections which I would not have found on my own.  From the start she encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and try different things.  I was laid off unexpectedly in early 2017, and Heather gave me the confidence to create a new livelihood by following my heart and making decisions based on trust, not fear.  Now I am enjoying working part-time in a clinical setting in addition to teaching and writing.

- Sue Zimmermann, MD

Orthopedic Surgeon
Devki Patel

After months of struggling to find a non-clinical career that matched my values and passion, I stumbled upon Heather's website which truly changed my life."

Heather's insightful and personalized approach to career coaching made me think outside the box since she took the time to evaluate my personality, values, interests, and preferred lifestyle.

Through her encouragement, practical advice, and professional connections, I was able to find a non-clinical position at a state Medicaid agency that aligned with my passion for population health and serving low-income communities. In addition to her coaching sessions, Heather has built a community of like-minded physicians through her blog, and I feel honored to recommend her to friends and colleagues who seek to make positive changes in their professional and personal lives.

- Devki Patel, MD

Pathologist
Jay Macregor

Working with Heather ultimately helped me leave my job in corporate healthcare and find a path that was much more fulfilling."

My career was going reasonably well but I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling I could do better; or at least find a better long-term career fit.  

I was able to find a surgery job that better aligned with my goals and professional interests.  Additionally, Heather helped me start a consulting business which has allowed me to pursue a true passion: helping medical students, residents, and attendings surgeons navigate the challenges of high-stakes standardized exams.    

If you are reading this as a “Type A” surgeon who doesn’t think coaching is for you, I would encourage you to give Heather a shot.  I’m very glad I did!

- Jay MacGregor, MD

Colorectal Surgeon
LI

“I gained the confidence in myself to develop an action plan that blended the best parts of my experiences and interests into a cohesive career." 

Through our work, I learned to trust myself to make good decisions for my own future – something I hadn’t realized I was struggling with because as an emergency physician, I make life-changing decisions with patients every day. 

By feeding my creativity and interests in other realms of my professional life, I’ve found renewed compassion for my patients and myself, making every shift an opportunity to actually care for people. Thank you Heather. I really couldn’t have made these changes without your help!

- Liz McMurtry, DO

Emergency Medicine Physician
Amie

The simple truth is - Heather Fork totally helped me change my life."

I never would have had the courage to make the changes I’ve made without her unwavering support, wealth of knowledge and commitment. 

When I first started working with Heather, I was downtrodden...I’d been practicing medicine for 20+ years and yet had never quite found my place.  During the first year I worked with Heather, I left the practice I’d been working at, and recreated an entirely new professional purpose.

I’m now an executive and leadership coach, a university professor, and a Brené Brown Daring Way facilitator, and I have never looked back.  I love what I am doing more than at any other time in my professional life and I credit Heather with seeing in me what I was never able to see in myself, until now.

Don’t hesitate, don’t doubt yourself, schedule your time with Heather as soon as possible- she can help you reconnect to your purpose and reinvent your life.

- Amie Langbein, DO

Family Physician
KB Karen Barnard Photo

"After 30 years in academic medicine, I wanted a career change but had no idea where to start. Medicine was all I knew."

I signed up for coaching with Heather and it transformed my life. She helped me get clear on what I wanted my life to look like. We reviewed my skills, values, and strengths. She instilled hope in me that change IS possible after 50 years! 

The outcome is that I have created a life I love! I practice endocrinology part-time and own a life coaching business! Coaching with Heather is one of the best investments I have made in my life. 

- Karen Barnard, MBBCh, MPH

Endocrinologist and Life Coach
IMG_05-22-2021_9-11-9

"Heather was my source of hope during a time when I felt stuck and confused. She gave me the permission and confidence to reach higher than I believed I could."

After graduating from residency and starting a family, I lost sight of why I became a physician. I struggled to convince myself to stay in a career that was clearly the wrong fit for me and my family. My anxiety about work was at an all-time high when I reached out to Heather. She provided something that my mentors, friends, and family could not – rather than just offering career advice, she changed the way I think about my life so that I could understand how my career would fit into it. I realized I wasn’t ready to give up on medicine and eventually found a job in academic medicine. I finally feel that excitement for medicine that I used to feel when I was in training. More importantly, I feel like I can be the role model to my young daughter who may one day also face similar challenges between career and family. Thank you, Heather, for all your kindness, support, and skillful coaching! The experience was life-changing!

- Yuri Shindo, MD

Internal Medicine Physician
Camille Gardner-Beasley

"As a Physician, your personal and even professional needs are often overlooked. I learned how to prioritize my career goals by working with Dr. Heather Fork."

She taught me how to put into practice what I knew in theory, that taking care of myself was a priority. I learned to give myself permission to make the career choices that would give me the work-life balance I desperately craved and needed. The process of confronting fears and insecurities was a bit scary, but well worth it in the end. I am now a happier version of myself with a non-clinical job that I truly enjoy!

- Camille Gardner-Beasley, MD

Family Medicine
Anna testimonial

"After 10 years in outpatient family medicine I felt stuck and knew I needed a change but I didn’t know where to begin. Thankfully I found Heather and she guided me every step of the way."

She helped me carefully assess my interests, strengths and passions while also providing me with constructive changes to implement in my job search and resume. With Heather’s help, I just landed a fully remote UM position and I am also exploring coaching as well. Now I feel like the possibilities are endless and I’m excited for this next chapter in the nonclinical world! Thank you Heather for changing my life for the better.

- Ana Jacobellis, DO

Abbey

"I'm truly thankful to have had the opportunity to be coached by Heather, she is not only a resourceful mentor but a wise and supportive friend. I'm honored to recommend Heather to all my friends and colleagues."

I had been a practicing Internist for 20 years when I reached a point when I needed to make a serious change in my career path. While I enjoyed seeing patients, I was not satisfied with my life-work balance. My job was taking me away from my family and left me little time and energy to do other things that are important and meaningful to me. I came across Dr. Fork's podcast; The Doctor's Crossing Carpe Diem Podcast, it is such an informative and enjoyable podcast for any physician who wants to do more with their career and life in general. Then I had the pleasure to get career coaching from Heather, it was truly an amazing experience. Heather has broad knowledge of all the different career paths that are available for physicians, she is so insightful and very easy to talk to. She helped me clarify my goals, examine my own mindset and definition of success. Together we developed a clear plan and actionable steps to reach these goals. I eventually made a career transition to a remote non-clinical position that allows me to do meaningful work which aligns with my personal and professional goals and priorities. 

- Abbey Awad, MD

Internal Medicine
Maria

"There have been a handful of people who have come into my life and changed it, and Heather is one of those people."

From the very first interaction with Heather, it became abundantly clear that she possessed a systematic approach and a methodology firmly rooted in my focusing on my goals and aspirations. Heather's coaching sessions helped me dismantle limiting beliefs and unearth the capable woman, mother, and physician within me. Under Heather's guidance, I began to dream again. I rediscovered my passion for writing, found the courage to share my stories, and even launched my own coaching practice. Today, I specialize in helping others conquer imposter syndrome and overcome burnout, empowering them to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives. Working with Heather fundamentally shifted my perspective and allowed me to show up authentically in every facet of my life, resulting in a profound sense of fulfillment.

I am deeply grateful that I can continue my work in the emergency department and serve my community as a physician as well as a coach. Working with Heather was a transformative gift that enabled me to rediscover my true self, find clarity in my life's purpose, and unlock my full potential. Through her guidance, I not only reignited the powerful, confident, and bold version of myself I had lost sight of but also realized the boundless possibilities that lay ahead.

- Maria Dominguez 

Emergency physician and coach