Doctor's Crossing

Physician Guest Blog: “The Old Me, The New Me”

This month’s blog is a guest post by one of my clients who went from feeling trapped in her career to having the confidence to know she could pursue other opportunities.  Instead of being resigned to a daily existence of stress and anxiety, she made the decision take charge of her career and make it what she wants it to be. Any significant career change is a process and takes time and effort, but if you hold to the vision that your work is meant to be fulfilling and joyful, you will find what is right for you.  Please enjoy this guest blog.

“The Old Me”

The loud beeping stopped as I blindly reached over and smacked the button, again.  I didn’t even want to look at the clock to see what numbers were there.  I had hit the snooze button at least three times.  Or was if four?  I dreaded getting up.  I had just fallen asleep after having been up all night with thoughts looming in my mind.  I tried to push my negative thoughts back, but they were overwhelming.  What awful consult would there be for me to do today?  What mistakes would I make?  I had a pit in my stomach.  I always did.  Sometimes it was small and somewhat bearable.  Other times, it was so big that I had to work to breathe.  I moved as I did every day, one step at a time.  I put one foot in front of the other, got ready for work and drove to the hospital.  “Just get through the next ten hours and then I will be home again,” I told myself.  I sat down in my office and took a deep breath, but it didn’t work.  I was dizzy.  How did I end up here?  Why did I choose this career?  I thought medicine was the most logical and practical path with a more secure future.  Now, even my job security is not so sure, reimbursements are rapidly declining and I am stuck in this whirlpool of constant stress, anxiety and daily dread.

I know that I am good at my job.  Clinicians come to me to discuss challenging cases, but I often doubt my abilities.  It has always been that way.  Through college and medical school, even though I knew that I was just as talented as everyone else, I sometimes felt that I was not as smart as my classmates.  I just worked hard and never let my eyes turn from the path ahead.  I used to wonder if my achievements were in part due to my personality and perseverance.  I think it was my way of challenging myself, my way of pushing myself to go further.  I made the decision to go to medical school, residency and fellowship.  I recognized that I was not happy along the way, but I kept telling myself to keep going, to stick with it and things would get better.  I chose my path.  Now I need to make the best of it.  Maybe, someday I will find a part time job without significant call.  Maybe then I will be a little happier.

After putting my family and myself through the long hours and years of medical training, how can I entertain the thought of leaving medicine?  It is too risky to leave medicine now.  There are no jobs available in my field and if things do not work out with a new career, it will be too difficult to come back to practice even if I want to.  I am lucky to have a job, even if it makes me miserable.  No one has this much vacation.  If I make a change, I most likely will end up with a job that has longer hours, less vacation, and less pay.  Worse yet, I still might not be happy.  When I read online forums about people who are thinking about leaving medicine, the responses always emphasize how medicine has more stability, flexibility, salary and independence than other field.  How can I think about leaving all this behind?  What if I fail?  What if I never find a job that makes me happy or even one that I can just tolerate.  I will be throwing away not only years of my life and money spent, but also, the vacation time, and schedule that I have now.  Many people are in far worse situations than myself.  How can I risk the possible financial strain on my family?   It would be irresponsible of me.

I must think rationally.  How can I change careers at this point in my life?  My specialized skills cannot possibly be applicable to another career.  Is any other career really any better?  Not many people truly love their job.  This feeling of being trapped in a vortex of swirling anxiety and stress is probably how a lot of people feel.  It might not even be my job, but rather just me.  Maybe I exaggerate the stress and anxiety when it isn’t really there.  At least I have a stable income.  I need to focus on the time I have with my family and just accept the career I chose.

“The New Me: How I changed by approach to life”

I reached over, turned the alarm off and got out of bed.  Mornings used to be filled with feelings of dread, anxiety and stress but now it is different.

Questioning my career path was the norm for me. For the past four years of practice and the six years of training before that, I kept telling myself that things would get better if I just kept going. Maybe I will get used to the anxiety or “something” will change and I’ll be happier.  I am not a quitter.  In attempts to deal with my anxiety and stress, I incorporated every coping mechanism I could think of, painting, exercise, yoga, relaxation music and even some not-so-successful attempts at meditation.  I started keeping an art journal where I began experimenting with different techniques and mediums.  The freedom of trying something new and unknown was unique for me and it felt great.  My journal entry could completely fail artistically, but the process was enjoyable and gave me satisfaction.  These activities helped to push back some of the work-related anxiety, at least temporarily, but the gnawing feeling that medicine is not my calling persisted.

I actively work at coping with my work-related stress and anxiety, but had been disappointed that these methods were not more successful.  In reality, these actions have significantly affected me. Not only am I stronger, more grounded and self-reliant, but also better able to cope with the challenges I face.  Most importantly, I realize that I have the ability and strength to take control of my future.  The uncertainty of the future and the possibility of instability are no longer as terrifying as before.  These thoughts join the anxiety and fear, in the back of my mind.  The negative internal voices frequently surface, but I have more control over them than ever before.  By compartmentalizing my anxiety, I feel as though I can start to listen to myself.

At this point in my life, I finally have the courage to make the change I have always dreamed of.  It is time for me to stop waiting for another opportunity to come across my doorway and time for me to take action.  Rather than “quitting” medicine, I am shifting my focus in a new direction.  I am very good at my job, but there are many things that I could be good at.  Leaving behind my hard-earned job and skills is a difficult decision, but I know that I can use my abilities to do something else that will allow me to better enjoy my life.  I can choose to pursue a career where my specialized skills might be applicable or I can choose a different road all together.  I am excited to explore my options and discover what I was really meant to do.  As an intelligent, hard working and multi-talented woman, I will be successful at anything I set my mind on.  The possibilities are endless.

I remember the indefatigable energy I had in college while pursuing biology research.  This energy has re-emerged through spending time with my children and will help me achieve my goals.  With this energy and my abilities, I can successfully make a career transition.  I am determined to make a better future for myself, which will also mean a better future for my family.  With my new found inner strength, independence and improved self-confidence, and with the support of my husband and family, I know that I have the ability to pursue new opportunities and to succeed.  I am in control of my future.  It is time to start my journey on a new and exciting path.

The other morning my son asked me to read a story to him, “Harold and the Purple Crayon.”  He never asks to read stories in the morning and makes me happy that he enjoys books.  I love reading to him and our nightly story time is one of the highlights of my day.  Mornings however are rushed and I am always running late.  It only took a few minutes for me to read the story to him over his bowl of cereal while my coffee brewed, but it was worth it.  That he wanted to read this particular book made me smile inside.  I want him to know that there are endless possibilities for him.  Just like for Harold, the world is a blank piece of paper and he can do anything he wants with his purple crayon. Then, on my drive to work, as I reflected on the few short minutes I spent with my son, I realized, that he was sending a message to me.  I have a purple crayon too.  My purple crayon is quite worn down, but next to it are more crayons, pencils, pastels and paints of all different colors, just waiting for me to pick them up.